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The Essay
Show #15
The Galvano-Soddy Theory
David Gunn
From WGDR, the only radio station in the western hemisphere whose signal can penetrate solid samarium and live to tell about it, and which also causes nuthatches to fly into spruce trees, it's Episode 15 of Kalvos & Damian's New Music Sesquihour, broadcasting yet again from a small, unzealous community in the rural timberlands of north central Vermont, the name of which, if I mentioned it, you'd recognize in an instant.

Today may be Kalvos & Damian's penultimate show, for there is a small but influential contingent of listeners who would prefer to have this time slot filled with automobile exhaust. Therefore, we need the rest of you listeners to write, fax or phone the station with a vote-o-confidence for the New Music Sesquihour. Please do it today, for otherwise you may just find yourself one day soon having to fit your radio with a catalytic converter.

Today is the 118th anniversary of the birth of Fred Soddy, Nobel prize-winning physicist, who devised the Galvano-Soddy Theory, which states that "any object smaller than a bat but larger than the spray from a surf cluster can be simultaneously both horizontal and tangental to a degree isotopically equivalent to the harmonic cosine of a block of cheese." Although the theory was roundly criticized for being utterly nonsensical, the 1921 Nobel Prize Committee by happenstance was composed of a bunch of utterly nonsensical freemasons, and they gladly awarded Soddy the prize.

For a simplified explanation of the Galvano-Soddy Theory, please contact Kalvos & Damian's Theory Language Facilitator, at 802 GLIPSOB. Visa and Mastercard accepted.

Today is also the birthday of Queen Liliuokalani of Hawaii. She's 157 today, and is frankly beginning to smell pretty awful. Still, she has done some remarkable feats in her lifetime, including bearing witness to the Galvano-Soddy Theory, and for that reason alone we humbly dedicate this next tune to her rampant odiferousness. (Spike Jones' "Hawaiian War Chant")

But wait, there's more. Thanks to the tireless effort of Kalvos & Damian's research staff, we have assembled for you a few useful phrases in Old Hawaiian, with which you can impress hundreds of people, given the right situation. Now, if you'll follow along in your program guide, and repeat after me, "ronkonkoma kankakee lompoc bidahochi, bovee tillatoba bucoda kiwalik." I'm sorry, I seem to have misplaced the translation. No matter.

This portion of Kalvos & Damian's New Sesqui Musichour is sponsored in part by WGDR Heavy Industries, makers of radio shoes, which will be explained in due course.

And now, to confirm the whereabouts of today's composer-o-the-week and also to make a brief allusion to deathday boy, Frank Landini, I give you le flambeau oriange himself, Mr. Hiram Warren Johnson, a/k/a Kolvas.