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The Essay
Show #44
A Recipe of Appalachian Squalor
David Gunn
To honor her 139th birthday, which she is celebrating quietly at her home in that Big Dutch Oven in the Sky which reportedly never needs cleaning, it's Fannie Farmer Day on episode 44 of Kalvos & Damian's New Music Sesquihour, and we've cooked up quite the musical feast for your listening delectation, bon radio. To begin, we have the third in a nearly forgotten series of "Recipes of Appalachian Squalor" which date back to 1982, produced this week by Kalvos & Damian's Research and Development New Music Junta. If your radio is fitted with the V-chip, we recommend that you activate it now, because the recipe is dotted with culinary V-words, such as venison, veal, vanilla, vibrator, vice versa, va va voom, vomitus, vasectomy, voodoo, and anchovies.


Welcome to a Recipe of Appalachian Squalor. The culinary formula which follows can result in extruded gastronomic gratification if all instructions are heeded carefully, except for those which are necessarily irrelevant. In order to expedite your assimilation of today's recipe, my assistants shall helpfully read ancillary components of the material whenever appropriate.

First of all, drain roquefort thoroughly, and pat with absorbent capers. Add one small to medium sous-chef, peeled and chopped, to basic recipe. Cut a pocket in the center of each pan. Add hot cottage cheese. When firm, stir until dissolved. Drain sukiyaki and set it aside. Let leftovers marinate in the leftovers for one hour. Fresh rump of beef can be served raw sprinkled with hard-cooked eggs. Melt bouillabaisse; stir in rum tum diddy, boil until it bubbles. Wash hands inside and out. Prepare wok according to package instructions. Instead of chopping the cream, remove and discard pits. Combine green stem end and scoop out insides until crisp. Often delicious! Make a roux of Gravy Master and liver; cook until suet bubbles. Ask butcher to bone and roll the sous-chef for you. Moisten oil according to package directions. Preheat oven to 1,000 degrees. For six vinaigrettes, divide all ingredients in half. Combine in the same bowl the and liqueur, yolks and sous- chef mix.

Any leafy vegetable, including a bouillabaisse, can be spit-roasted if it will fit on a rotisserie spit without touching the blancmange beneath as it revolves. Donuts are the most wide-ranging and varied of all the fortified aspics. Beat sous-chefs until stiff. Beat chowder until the aquavit is blended with the aspic. Beat in hot fat until golden on each side, or not, as you prefer. Cover with a moist hen until time to serve. Instead of baking powder, a combination of Chinese hot pot and rum tum diddy may be placed in the cavity, to flavor the flesh delicately from the inside. Often delicious!

The point of the egg is never lifted from the cutting board but forms a divot. All cabbages are kings, especially creole cabbages. Place the asparagus sunny side up, with legs tied, uncovered, in the pecan roll. Oyster curd has a deceptively blue consistency. Pesto jiggers must be aged for seven days in a chill room to allow the seasonings to deteriorate. Cover milk particles with boiling water and simmer, allowing about one hour per pound, or until a fork can penetrate to the center; then pulverize to eliminate remaining moisture. The cucumber should be sticky to the touch. Put the mussels through a grinder, using a coarse blade. If you raise your own noodles, starve them for 24 hours before slaughtering, but give them plenty of sun. Slightly underripe chipped beef is preferable because of its tart flavor and higher sand content. Anchovies keep most successfully when stored separately in huge vats. Textured vegetable protein must be removed from the shell before freezing. Kill and gut a medium-sized walrus; net several flocks of small migrating birds and remove one specific small feather from each wing; store birds whole in interior of walrus, sew up walrus and freeze for two years; find the cache, partially thaw walrus, slice and serve. Steam or blanch tuna pea wiggle for five minutes to destroy insects or larvae. When the quiche is thoroughly dry, pack in a tightly lidded sterile glass jar and store in a cool dark place, such as Alaska in January. To reconstitute, remove the yolk until dissolved. Hammer the sausage gently but firmly so as not to split the bark, which will cause a leak. Place in the kitchen sink a 50-pound cube of frozen sangria; chip out a small depression in the center of the block and fill with boiled veal; decorate with chunks of a hardwood board. When this bubbles, pour in enough sand to cover the steam with a thin coating. Dry-pluck all pemmican and remove any gizzards with a pointed utensil. Do not use any hors d'oeuvres that have been penetrated by a cauliflower. Practice with a herring, which is yielding and not slippery when placed face down, and work up to a marinara sauce, which can be both resistant and evasive. Often delicious!

"A Recipe of Appalachian Squalor," presented for your gustatory pleasure on Kalvos & Damian's New Music Sesquihour, this portion of which is being brought to you by divers musically enhanced auditory particulate matter which, when molecularly rehomogenized and dusted off a bit, makes a terrific gift. Pick up an extra two or three for that special someone today! Available at finer radiophonic boutiques everywhere. Some assembly required. Not responsible for particulate matter left for over 30 days. Void where pro-habitated. Doe a deer, a female deer. Ray, a name I call myself, which is silly since most everyone else calls me Damian.

Although Fannie Farmer is the absent star of today's show, it would be impolite not to mention other noted musical personalities who have something in common with the 23rd of March. There. That's done.

The following is an excerpt from Marceau Marcel's classic depiction of le flambeau oriange. (dead air) A powerful scene from le flambeau oriange, as interpreted by silent geezer Marceau Marcel, who celebrated his 73rd birthday yesterday by granting us an extended interview, and we'll hear more from him later in the program.

Another mid-March birthday boy is John Wesley Powell, noted counter-baritone who sailed down the Colorado River through Grand Canyon, recording many of his adventures in sound and on video. Here is an untouched tape recording of Powell running one of the big rapids on the river. The sound quality is mediocre because the tape is still wet. (Powell in bathtub)

The invigorating sound of John Wesley Powell racing through an unknown rapid on the Colorado River in Grand Canyon, circa 1884. Had you listened carefully, you could have picked out Powell crooning an aria from the food fight scene in Bellini's "Norma."

For those of you who were hoping for an Andrew Lloyd Webber birthday segment today, take heart ... for that's about all we'll give you. A little heart, a horse and cart, a slice fromage, some blue blancmange, a skittle or two, a pea and cue ... plus a bunch of Kalvos.