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The Essay
Show #159
The Algonquin Hole
David Gunn

Attempting to describe an Algonquin Hole, an unnaturally occurring phenomenon of the space-time continuum, is like trying to make sense of Grabner's Taxidermic Function: sure, it can be done, but wouldn't you rather be trying to remove that ten-penny nail from your head?

Long misunderstood by research and culinary scientists, Algonquin Hole theory turns the laws of physics upside down and whacks them firmly with invisible sheets of linoleum. Some observed characteristics are:

   An Algonquin Hole is an absence of physically limitless space.

   It can defy the 14th and 15th laws of physics, while at the same time embrace pluperfect derivatives of those same constants.

   It has been discovered in the lower left cooling tower of the Grand Coulee Dam; in a tavern lavatory near the proposed Utah-California border; adjacent a Calcutta hotel; in Zacatecas, Mexico during a Leather Warrior pinball machine exhibition; in a Huguenot, Texas cantina that coincidentally occupied the same space as a café in a distant galaxy; at the University of Newark in 1983 where the Algonquin Hole Implosion Theory Experiment resulted in the unfortunate extirpation of the university; and, as always, hovering over Roswell, New Mexico.

   According to the Law of Macarena, gravity can exist in Algonquin Holes, but according to Clementi's Equation, it cannot.

   At first and second blush, it seems to have no context or supporting environment that would give it a reason to exist. Its dimensions suggest indeterminacy, freely flowing into and out of focus. Occasionally, it emits a low frequency vibration that belies its typically high-strung temperament.

   Sentient integers who pass through Algonquin Holes rarely lose consciousness, however their grasps of reality are usually put on hold.

   The adobe hat, an occult headpiece, can sometimes ward off their influences.

   Concentrated pheromonic rays have been shown to affect the behavior of Algonquin Holes, reducing paradimensional discombobulation by a factor of one.

   Mysterious element #160, Libelium, can control their behavior, though not of their theoretical relative, the flambeau oriange principle, which is similarly prone to pestering the fundamental laws of the cosmos.

   The number 76 does not figure significantly in advanced Algonquin Hole computations.

   Scientists first began to unwittingly dabble in Algonquin Hole research in the 19th century, long before they were officially discovered.

   Algonquin Holes both spin on and grind paradimensional axes, whose individual parts are never greater than the Hole.

   Scientologists believe that Albert Einstein's whimsical coiffure was a result of his having ventured too close to an Algonquin Hole in pluperfect resonance. Ontologists theorize that his hair proves that under Algonquin Hole influence, finite objects can simultaneously be the largest and smallest possible.

   Consequences of Algonquin Hole activity include the disruption of Indeterminate Fractal Mechanics, the breaching of the Great Unknown of Mismanaged Data Transference, a misunderstanding with the assigns of the third astral plane pluperfect of the suction algorithm, and a contortion of the whiskers six-draw constant.

   In revisionist Navajo mythology, Algonquin Slayer was a great mystic who materialized in New Mexico in the early 1900s covered with bee pollen and spouting whiskers six-draw rule gibberish. He vanished, then reappeared in 1947 and again in 1954, temporarily corrupting the normal space-time continuum and allowing those 12-month periods to swap certain particulate matter, such as Hudson automobiles.

   And finally, Algonquin Holes are those entities into which many of the radio waves featured on Kalvos & Damian's New Music Bazaar, this 159th episode notwithstanding, fall, which is perhaps why of late we have received only meager response from you, our listening audient. So please, don't let us spend our programmatic time in vain; call now and cheer up us. The number to dial is 802-KALVOS.