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The Essay
Show #335
Weasel Slayer: The Wiggers
David Gunn

During his Second Period of Rapid Maturity, celebrated in Navajo ritual by dancers in colorful corn dog and Quimby Quail costumes leaping and bounding around a giant adobe hat, Weasel Slayer grew by leaps and bounds. His height, girth, personal hygiene habits, and purpose in life all changed. He soared to an elevation of 18 hands, bulked up to 10½ stone and discovered the breath-freshening powers--when applied vigorously to the gums and tongue--of pumice. Then he cut back on the "slaying of weasels and other short-legged carnivores" aspect of life on Dzil Na'oodili to concentrate on arts and leisure. His "art" largely consisted of creating large piles of plate tectonic rubble that were abstract representations of his black jet stone fetish. But Weasel Slayer especially liked the practice of leisure, for it allowed him to spend more time in consort with the likes of Corn Dog Woman and other proto-trollops. Florence, Miranda and Blanche of the Near Water People come readily to mind, as they did for Weasel Slayer. But there at last came a time when he was ready for a breather from his carnal pleasures, and so he entered a period of Meditation and Self-Contemplation, or The Wiggers. Before Blanche could talk him out of it, Weasel Slayer journeyed to a desert that Child-Born-of-Water hadn't yet inundated. He sat amongst the dunes for six days and six nights--though, again, in Real Earth Time, it was closer to a million buckets of minutes. He had not thought to pack a lunch and so did not eat, at least not at the nearby Corn Dogs 'n Weasels stand. On the first day, he experienced a powerful vision, which somehow made the time fly. In it, he and 30 invisible beanbags were suspended in a fuliginous pool of gravy. Diffused by the murky liquid, the sky above him seemed bleak and wholly unfunny. Abruptly, the sun rose--but the ears and chin that stuck out from the corona soon convinced him that the object wasn't a solar source of heat and light, but rather an immense face. Immediately he trusted it, and he flashed it an OK sign, mouthing the universal Navajo greeting, "Ya-tah-hey." (Multiple millennia later, when he saw the face again in Real Earth Time, it sat on the head of a musical shaman named Beano Bengaze. Weasel Slayer at once introduced himself, and the rest is historical revisionism.) On the second day, he was visited by Talking God, who, as his name suggests, chattered away like there was no tomorrow--which, due to an anomaly in the time-space continuum, there wasn't. This made the time slow way down. On the third day, Weasel Slayer discovered a cache of savory hallucinogenic mushrooms at the magnetic center of one of the sand dunes, which he ate--i.e., the fungi, not the sand. This made the time fly again, and, after a couple of false tries, him, too. But the mushrooms were too few and far between to be considered a satisfying meal, particularly to the hearty trencherman that Weasel Slayer aspired to be. He was still so hungry that on the fourth day he ate of the patchouli plant that hung inverted in the air above the mushroom cache, or so it appeared to his lingeringly altered sensibilities. For a while--and we can unequivocally say that this "while" lasted 119 hours in Real Earth Time--Weasel Slayer didnt know if he really ate the plant or just dreamt it. But after a different while, whose length is still debated by Navajo scholars, he developed a rash on his two favorite digestive organs. They itched like all get out and grew red and splotchy when he tried to "get them all out" by scratching them in a kind of Zen way, but otherwise it was a good rash, in that his immune system developed unparalleled potency. Day number five was filled with more dreams. In one, the rascally Coyote was mustering an army of lemmings, big ones, in the Third Underworld, preparing to march on Dzil Na'oodili. But his plot was foiled when Spider Woman chased the lead lemming into the newly created Algonquin Sea, and the rest of the army dutifully followed the leader. In another, he

The Wiggers, according to Modified Navajo Myth, concludes on the sixth day, when the quietude is broken by a visit from Child-Born-of-Water, who had been tipped off as to his whereabouts by a lascivious Blanche. Child-Born-of stoked the fires of falling water, and soon the rain poured down on the Mediterranean Desert.

Drenched but no longer perishable, Weasel Slayer concluded his Second Period of Rapid Maturity by returning to the land of First Man and First Woman, where Miranda was directing the Living Kiiyaa aanii Theater in a version of the story of Ye'iitsoh more suitable to young audiences, of which the Four Earth Clans were now overstocked. In Real Earth Time, this coincides with a giant party thrown by Akbar the Great in Delhi, India in November, 1600, which in turn shares significant synchronicity with a party some 401 years later, an event only slightly couched in the sofastries of this 335th episode of Kalvos & Damian's New Music Bazaar, whose davenporte-cochère shall now be opened by Kalvos.