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Chronicle of the NonPop Revolution

The Essay
Show #403
David Gunn

In ancient times in the land of Kültepe there lived a king of great power, and he was called Bengazagath. The king had three daughters, Zeeno, Burdach and Vulcanola. How had he these offspring was never clear, for a queen of Kültepe was there naught, and the royal household's plentiful floozies practiced the art of courtesanship with great care. The king lived for ten score years, and ruled for even longer, abetted by dietary supplements provided by the court sorcerer, who was called Hasner. The king's rule was uncompromising, but also was it fair, for didst he regularly consult for advice the Oracle at Frogooxi. The harvesting of crops, the dyeing of textiles, the writing of verse, the selection of raiment, yea, even the rising of the sun--no labor, it seemed, could commence without first consulting the Oracle at Frogooxi. Verily didst the king's enemies--and many were they, for ready access to floozies was much desired in those days--attempt to seek out and forever silence the Oracle, but couldst it not be found. Even the all-knowing Hasner, who upon the king's person placed with great secrecy a global positioning system transponder, knew not of the Oracle's whereabouts.

One day, long into the king's autumnal years, didst he send away the courtesans and summon his daughters. "O that I could forever cleave to this mortal coil," sayeth Bengazagath to them, "but the Oracle hath foretold my end, thanks to an undercooked pork chop." His daughters began then to weep, and was the king deeply moved. "You mourn for me, your daddy, which gladdens my heart. Then come now with me to Frogooxi, so that I may show you the Oracle from whose wisdom you shall rule the land as I have done." But privately didst the daughters weep with great joy, for this meant that at last they wouldst be able to get out of the house, where they had been kept for many years.

Thought they then, the daughters Zeeno, Burdach and Vulcanola, that Frogooxi lay deep in the distant wilderness, and verily prepared they to make the journey. From the royal kitchen procured they loaves and fishes-to-go, as well as the fruit of the ginkgo tree, so their recollection of the route wouldst fail them not. Recalling her dad's premonition, didst Zeeno also slip into her pouch a slice of rancid pork. But lo, didst Bengazagath eschew the front gate. Instead the king didst lead them down into the very bowels of the palace. Down beneath the wine cellar, below the sewage-disposal tank, yea even under the royal courtesan ablution chamber they descended on staircases of architectural disrepute, with but a few guttering tapers to light the way. At last camest they to a low wooden portal on which bas-relief nymphs with adobe hats dancing the fandango were strangely inscribed. Then from his robe removed the king a key of great mystery, for didst it seem to fade into and out of focus. He inserteth the key into the lock, turned it, and pushed open the door. From within there radiated a Stygian gloom of much foreboding. For a while, no one spoke, and there was utter silence, save for the faint beeping of the transponder. Then the king said "this is the chamber of Frogooxi, wherein the Oracle lies. Ask of it any question, and with a truthful answer be thus rewarded;" and he motioned for them to enter the room. As Zeeno passed, she handed him the pouch of pork. "Here, dad, lunch," sayeth she. After a few moments more didst their eyes to the darkness acclimate. Spare in its appointments was the room save for a small, square carpet on which stood a pedestal of molybdenum. And atop the pedestal sat the Oracle of Frogooxi. It was unlike anything the three daughters had ever before seen and so they were at a loss to describe it. But, never mind; each was keen to know her future, and the three plied the Oracle with scores of queries: "who?; what?; when?; where?; why? ..."

When at last they lapsed into silence, a brilliant blue-black glow didst suddenly emanate from the Oracle, and the room thence echoed with the sound of a thousand hats. There followed three words of great reverberance that, yea, filled the daughters with trepidation, for the words were, "Beware your dad." Verily were the words truly spake, as the subsequent sound was of the low wooden portal slamming shut. An ominous chortle from Bengazagath on the other side of the portal confirmed the wisdom of the Oracle. But so, too, was the truthfulness of its earlier warning to the king, who had forgotten it as he forthwith bit into his lunch.

Lost for millennia, the Oracle of Frogooxi has today resurfaced specifically to presage a successful 403rd episode of Kalvos & Damian's New Music Bazaar, commencing with the nearly concluded essay and continuing with the consequent commentary of Kalvos.